BAD DAY

been a while since ive done a blog...been a long time since ive needed to vent. but i just broke my iphone, got an egg thrown at me from a moving car, failed to wake up to my alarm and had a shitty shitty day. so its time to vent me thinks.

no matter what i do, life is getting shitter by the second. the girl of my dreams is most likely never to be mine, my money is constantly in debt, i go hungry on a regular basis, due to the last note, and i hate my job and my acting still has gone no where!!

in the breaking of my iphone, i have lost my alarm, clock, phone, music,camera and mobile internet. so now i have to get it fixed using money i dont have. you know what...i want to rant in a funny way, but i just want to go punch a wall.

retrospect and reflection

i havent blogged in a long time, but something that has weighed on my mind my entire life has built up to the point that the weight of it has crushed me to the point of depression, something very rare on the annoyingly happy person that i usualy am.

it starts off with one of the biggest secrets of my life. from the earliest time i can remember (5-6 years old) i have always felt i was born into the wrong body. i have always felt like a girl, always enjoyed girly things. however, due to my fear of being hated and judged over how i felt, i kept it all inside of me and tried to ignore everything that might be concidered girlish. i had a friend in Wales, she did ballet lessons and i used to watch her in her lessons and wish i could join in, but i had a voice constantly tell me it was for girls. so i never did, i have since always wished i had tried, as i could at least have dance skills to help my acting career. all my life i did things like this, and buried my feelings deep inside of me.

ive read so many magazines where girls who were boys had told their parents from a young age their true feelings and now were the young women they always had felt they should be. i never did. my own cowardness crippled the life i could have had. now dont get me wrong, i have never liked guys in a sexual way, the closest i can explain is, im a lesbien in a guys body.

my reflection will never show who i am inside, ive locked that part of myself behind an irremovable mask of who i thought people wanted me to be. i know im friends with alot of girls. but as soon as girls know how i feel about myself, it never gets better than friends. i mean, what girl would want a guy like me?...after all this is only the tip of the iceberg that is my weirdness. but it feels better to have gotten this written out.

Panto Season

ok, so the picture isnt anything to do with panto, but its me on eastenders, so its acting related. (and me related, double whammie...what is a whammie...oh well)

this blog, as was pointed out to me by Ashlie, has been neglected by me for a while now. this was mainly due to self control of not bitching about mine and ashlies temporary falling out a little while back. we are friends again now, though i still feel a little wary from the reaction i got at the time, but times a healer as they say. im sure ash noticed by the fact i havent really called her or chatted much since we made up, but if not. im sure your reading this at some point.

so the panto season is upon us, my pantomime is actually this weekend, 4 shows over 3 days. Aladdin...or as close to it as our director decided to write, he loves to put his own twists in the stories he puts on the stage. i have the wonderful role of being the over the top camp guard Hollow, who seems the submissive of the two guards...interesting. first a tea serving robot, now a pink wearing sissy boy..yaaay. :P nah, its fun to be characters so unlike myself (ash, dont even think about it!)

ive started to make real progress on my Bregan: the last wolf, story. with a bit of luck it will be ready by summer and i might be able to get it looked at in pinewood if not hollywood itself!! i really hope this Trilogy gets made, not just to boost my career, but because i truly want to see the world of Gaialura, and all its creatures come to life in 3d on the big screen. especially the ancient monolith Titans that will appear in the 3rd film and the final demi-god vs demi-god battle at the end of the trilogy. not to mention the entire love story that rides through the 3 films. it should be one of the best film series to greet the world since star wars if it gets made the way i desire it to.

ive been on a tidying blitz recently, got my study sorted, and my bedroom is well on its way to cleanliness again. (woo i shall be close to godliness soon) and i just threw out some potatoes that had become a pool of goo in the cupbourd both myself and my housemate had neglected to open since july...pleasant sight and glorious smell. (thank the heavens for Oust!) oddly, Misto seemed to want to get close to the smell me and Kev recoiled from, but then, he is an odd cat who is quite happy to sleep at an odd angle just so he can sleep on my lap. ive been listening to Taylor Swift constantly recently. i really do love her songs, they are helping to push the love story in Bregan to new heights when i write it. i would lvoe to meet her someday. perhaps i can get her to write some songs for the film, or at least the end credits. then i might meet her and my film will have beautiful music! win win!

listening to Taylor Swifts "the best day" and watching her home made music video of her as a child really makes me smile and wonder what my little sisters will be like when they are bigger. Alice is getting so smart and Keira is...well, she still cant talk but she sure can move fast! they sure do grow up fast. i cant wait to spend christmas with my family and watch my sisters open their presents that Santa brought them. i hope i become a big brother they can be proud of, and look up to. i think i want that more than anything else.

anyway, im rambling on and its late and i need sleep. so, once more, until next time, i bid thee goodnight, and farewell. (and if any of you who read this are in kent near west malling, come along to the show this weekend)

Ashlie's wonder Cleavage

I promised Ash i would write a blog about her cleavage, so here it is. it jiggles when she laughs, it squished when she leans forwards...HA, only kidding, :D well it does, but i meant kidding about the cleavage blog. fooled you all. boy are you gullable. i wonder if they will take that out of the dictionary just to mess with the people who claim they already did it...anyway, im going off subject...which i was going to do anyway...ok im confused...

ever wondered what the world will be like after the apparently inevitable Nukes fall? fallout 3 seems to have captured the world how i imagined it, in the year 2277 washington d.c, or the Capital wasteland as its now known, is a gloriously gruesome place filled with struggling and thriving villages and towns, built up from the reminants of society. Megaton, a town built around a undetonated Atomic bomb...yeah, great building plan guys. but once yours truly makes it inert, i get my very own post apocoliptic house, with a flying butler robot (jetsons eat your heart out ya space age freaks :P) there are so many differant kinds of people to meet all over the place, and alot of great creatures, or mercenary gangs to fight for survival against.

i just bought game of the year edition and traded in my old copy of the game without expansions, and it is goooood. so far, ive fought iradiated inbred hillbillies at what used to be St marys coast, killed a weird...psycic...brain thingy, been abducted by aliens and actually taken control of their ship (go me with my death ray, FEAR ME WASTELAND :D) defeated the corrupt reminants of the american government, the Enclave. convinced their president to blow himself up (he was a computer...long story) and relieved a military operation in alaska against the chinese in ww3, due to a simulation. my next stop is the Pitt. what was once pitsburg. sounds like a wonderful place from what ive heard...yeah... but it it by far, the greatest game ive played. i love the world its based in sooo much, though i sure as hell wouldnt wanna live their in real life...please dont drop bombs on my house...or country...or anywhere. thanks :D your a pal.

had my first house inspection today. was odd, the guy checked our house for all of 10 seconds and was done. we spent hours tidying for no reason, he didnt even care about any mess!!! though he did then spend 10 minutes asking us what console was better, xbox or playstation...strange fellow. but oh well, he passed us on inspection, even though misto smashed the catflap in half with his head...musta had some force behind him.

i am still far too addicted to farmville, but my farm sure looks good now. all i need is to buy a house on it and the theme is complete. im looking forward to my sunday lie in this week, though i was going to have Ashlie down then, but she will be in spain...i'll miss her, but at least she will have fun. besides, me and her can have our fun at disney, and jump on each others pirate ship beds at the hotel. boy oh boy i cant wait by golly!! i really hope i get a job at cabot soon, i will be able to afford the trip in no time, and possibly drag her down to kent for a few weeks sometime early summer/late spring, which would be great. though i just know that with £500 extra a month, im going to go into reckless spending mode now and then, which is why im going to transfer my stuff to a savings account the moment i get it, so im not tempted and dont spend the disney money. i really cant wait, as much as i love holidays and i love disney. its going to be so much more special with the girl who i adore, and is my very best friend who i know i can trust and go to for advice or just when i need to talk to someone...i wish i had been able to see her this year...

thanks for listening, children. this is...Seandog, from blogspot, bringing you crap whenever he feels like spouting it. chao for now.

The desire for things we cannot have.

first off, i hope you dont mind me using this awesome picture Ashlie. im trying to make my pictures suit my rants alot more.

turns out i maxed out my credit on my phone today, i used up all my credit from the 6th til 16th...10 days and a months credit used up on a certain scottish forgetfull but loveable girl. that means i have 3 weeks, 21 long days of being unable to call her, to hear her voice. to wish her sweet dreams before she drifts off to sleep as i play her the song she loves to hear. one of those weeks she will be in Spain enjoying the sun with her father, just before her birthday. to which i hope she has a wonderful time. i look forward to her birthday, because it is the day i can finally hear her voice again, and at the same time wish her a merry day.

im finally moving towards shifting my rut to another rut by my plans to leave tesco and rejoin Cabot financial, a debt collecting company, but it was quite friendly last time i worked for them. i would be earning over £500 extra a month, though i would need to wear a shirt to work each day...and thats a big downside as i hate shirts and all they have to do with the world...which isnt much, but still... but with the extra money i could save, i can afford a decent ring for Ashlie's finger and quite possibly 2 tickets to disneyworld Florida for our new years plans next year. it would be a wonderful time, Ashlie would get her spa day, we would enjoy new year in disney and we could also explore Universal Studios. (and i could possibly get my script seen to at the studio offices to boost my career chances)

im currently watching Robin hood: Prince of Thieves. in my opinion, the best robin hood film out there, to date! and im wondering why no one had tried his approach to government in this day and age. we might actually be better off for it, and if not, at least we taught all the thugs how to shoot arrows....yeah ok, my plan is vastly flawed. we definatly should not do that, though knife crime would dwindle, we would have a high rise in arrow crime, and that would be alot weirder to solve who done it!

anyway, ive voiced my feelings and my opinions, so for now i bid you, GOODBYE. go on, get lost. shoo!! begone!!......get outta here already!

the need for a farmville patch.

i need to get over my addiction to Farmville on Facebook, its soooo very addictive. i cannot beleive i spent hours waiting for my strawberries to grow...i cant believe i plant my seeds and just sit there watching the percentage slowly go up over the hours. its too much, its taking over what little social life i have (and there isnt much there to steal...i need what i have!!)! at least my farm is finally well made and nice and big, well structured and actually better than ashlie, as she didnt plan ahead for the expansion of her land and ended up temporily fucking up her layout, whereas mine was vastly improved on from the increase in land. not to mention my profit.

on another, less geeky (but not much) note, Halloween is fast aproaching and i cannot decide on a costume. i have so many i desire, and no money for anything. chances are, i will simply go as the Crow again and be pure sex on legs. all the girls will want me...though they are always too shy to come up and straddle me...yeah...shy....anywho, onto something else...stargate atlantis season 4 is fun to watch, ashlie likes the Venga boys...as i found out from her constant humming and singing of their 90's lyrics. (which she will not stop btw) i tidied my room for the first proper time in about a month...it looks all shiney and clean. im impressed with myself. this is once again another mini blog. as i really need to do more interesting things in my days...anyway, talley ho

the circle of life...kinda

well im once again here to moan about the reptiveness of my small tiny life. cos moaning is all i do about it (go me woo) all i do is set my alarm each day, get up, eat, sit infront of my computer or go to town and go to work when its time. that sums up my entire day (exept i call Ashlie everyday as well...but thats differant, i like that part of my day) i cannot wait for November the 5th when Contacts 2010 comes out and i can begin to pester agents around the country!

im currently watching Mulan, and its always good to see that no matter how old you get, Disney films are fun to watch. though i love the Lion King the most. im really looking forward to Disneyland next new years eve. whooo. gonna be alot of fun and screams...and i may need a hearing aid after Ashlie's screams go so high pitched they burst my ear drums...woo...O_O.

i also read on facebook that someone woke up my asher!! i got her to sleep, and someone woke her up. FOR SHAME...yeah im mainly writing that cos i got nothing else to write about...maybe next time. toodles. ta ta, byeeee.