retrospect and reflection

i havent blogged in a long time, but something that has weighed on my mind my entire life has built up to the point that the weight of it has crushed me to the point of depression, something very rare on the annoyingly happy person that i usualy am.

it starts off with one of the biggest secrets of my life. from the earliest time i can remember (5-6 years old) i have always felt i was born into the wrong body. i have always felt like a girl, always enjoyed girly things. however, due to my fear of being hated and judged over how i felt, i kept it all inside of me and tried to ignore everything that might be concidered girlish. i had a friend in Wales, she did ballet lessons and i used to watch her in her lessons and wish i could join in, but i had a voice constantly tell me it was for girls. so i never did, i have since always wished i had tried, as i could at least have dance skills to help my acting career. all my life i did things like this, and buried my feelings deep inside of me.

ive read so many magazines where girls who were boys had told their parents from a young age their true feelings and now were the young women they always had felt they should be. i never did. my own cowardness crippled the life i could have had. now dont get me wrong, i have never liked guys in a sexual way, the closest i can explain is, im a lesbien in a guys body.

my reflection will never show who i am inside, ive locked that part of myself behind an irremovable mask of who i thought people wanted me to be. i know im friends with alot of girls. but as soon as girls know how i feel about myself, it never gets better than friends. i mean, what girl would want a guy like me?...after all this is only the tip of the iceberg that is my weirdness. but it feels better to have gotten this written out.